Homeward bound

I only have 13 days left in Europe, 3 of which will be spent in Paris, France. I'm feeling really bittersweet about the idea of coming home. There is so much about Europe (about Italy specifically) that I love and want to continue to have in my life. But at the same time, there is a LOT of unfinished business waiting for me at home. It's hard to not think about the problems that are waiting for me when I get home, but I'm consciously trying to focus on my time here and enjoy this sort of limbo-land freedom I have while I am here.

I've changed a lot in the last three months. I haven't written frequently enough for it to be seen in this blog, but my personal journal entries and my emails to people at home show it. I'm glad to have changed, I needed to grow up. Regardless of whether or not I've changed for the better, I spent three months abroad. I lived in a foreign country. Every now and then I wonder what kind of person I'll be when I get home. It's hard to be stuck over here and just waiting to see what will happen when I get back. I have to focus on the present and enjoy the fact that I'm in Italy, and worry about what happens when I get home when I actually get home.

I think the past three years of my life made me afraid of being alone. I had become dependent on one person for my happiness, and the idea of not having someone to make me happy terrified me. Being here has taught me that I can be alone. Although I do have friends and a host-family here, I am mostly on my own. I don't have a special someone to hug or hold, or to share my personal stories with or help me make decisions. I have myself, and last night I realized that that's enough. I don't know if there's one person for everyone out there, I don't know if some people are meant to be alone for their whole lives. I do know that now I'm capable making a clear decision about my relationships based on what I want in a realtionship, and not based on the fear of not having a relationship at all. I'd rather be alone and happy with myself than unsure and in a relationship because of fear.

I'm almost too tired to fill you in on our trip to Rome. It was a whirlwind of events. We got into Rome around 11, dropped our bags off at the hotel and immediately left to meet our tour guide to walk through the remains of ancient Rome. We saw the Coliseum, the Roman Forum, Capitoline Hill, the Trevi Fountain and the Spanish steps. That evening I went to dinner with four friends and had a nice, slow meal that lasted about two hours. We wandered back to the hotel and had a chocolate sampling festival with different flavors such as orange, champagne, jamacan pepper and curry.

The next morning we got up early to meet a second tour guide to stand in line at the Vatacan Museum. After waiting for two hours we finally got inside where our guide whisked us through the various exhibits including Raphael rooms and the Sistine chapel. It was difficult to hear what he was saying through our headsets and his thick accent. We barely stopped for thirty seconds at each site before we were off and running to the next site. ALthough the Sistine Chapel was incredible, it was probably the worst experience I had in Rome. For some unexplained reason they would let unlimited people into the room but weren't letting people out. So we stood bunched up with about 500 other tourists pushing into us for 15 minutes until we finally squeezed our way out.

That evening I went to St. Peter's basilica which was breathtaking. I'm not really religious as of late, but being in that building was a moving experience. Sadly I kept thinking of Dan Brown's books. We walked through that building for about an hour, listening to Mass being held and admiring the artwork. Then we headed back to the hotel for a late dinner and a movie.

The next morning we got up early to see the Pantheon and a few of the Piazzas around the city, finishing up with hearing the Pope's Benediction. As we were waiting for the Pope to appear in his little window it started raining. Not having an umbrella, I was worried that the experience would be ruined. But about 2 minutes into the Pope's speech the rain stopped, the clouds opened and the sun started shining. I don't know if I believe that it was necessarily God, but it was creepy nonetheless. We then hopped on the bus to head back home to Florence where we had class the next day.

Overall, it was a beautiful weekend and I had a fun time. I had been complaining about the days time moving slowly last week, but it just flew by this weekend. Being back at school things are slowing down a bit, but I'm off to Paris this Thursday night for my second-to-last weekend here in Italy.