I only have 13 days left in Europe, 3 of which will be spent in Paris, France. I'm feeling really bittersweet about the idea of coming home. There is so much about Europe (about Italy specifically) that I love and want to continue to have in my life. But at the same time, there is a LOT of unfinished business waiting for me at home. It's hard to not think about the problems that are waiting for me when I get home, but I'm consciously trying to focus on my time here and enjoy this sort of limbo-land freedom I have while I am here.
I've changed a lot in the last three months. I haven't written frequently enough for it to be seen in this blog, but my personal journal entries and my emails to people at home show it. I'm glad to have changed, I needed to grow up. Regardless of whether or not I've changed for the better, I spent three months abroad. I lived in a foreign country. Every now and then I wonder what kind of person I'll be when I get home. It's hard to be stuck over here and just waiting to see what will happen when I get back. I have to focus on the present and enjoy the fact that I'm in Italy, and worry about what happens when I get home when I actually get home.
I think the past three years of my life made me afraid of being alone. I had become dependent on one person for my happiness, and the idea of not having someone to make me happy terrified me. Being here has taught me that I can be alone. Although I do have friends and a host-family here, I am mostly on my own. I don't have a special someone to hug or hold, or to share my personal stories with or help me make decisions. I have myself, and last night I realized that that's enough. I don't know if there's one person for everyone out there, I don't know if some people are meant to be alone for their whole lives. I do know that now I'm capable making a clear decision about my relationships based on what I want in a realtionship, and not based on the fear of not having a relationship at all. I'd rather be alone and happy with myself than unsure and in a relationship because of fear.
1 comment:
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